Because there are few things we can be sure of….

The Gnomes’ Moonsong


Once a month, our Moon shines full,
O’er town and field and marsh.
But us old-timer moanin’ Gnomes,
Find her light a little harsh.
Please be so kind and stop a while, to help adjust our dress.
We’ll be very grateful for your time and gentle thoughtfulness.
A little cape, a tiny hood – that’s all we need tonight.
Then we can slumber peacefully whilst Sister Moon is bright.


I am not a gargoyle!

Very pleased to meet you, my name’s Doil.
Though I’m a grotesque, not a bloody gargoyle!
Those ‘goyles, you see, shoot rain out their spouts.
Whereas us grotesques all just sit about.

Come rain or shine, we are your lofty charms.
We scare away things of misfortune or harm.
But it’s lonely up here where the wind does play,
So blow us a kiss and make our day!

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Guru-matic – It has all the answers!

Every home should have one!

Every home should have one!

Diary Entry #262:

My endless quest for enlightenment continues. My go-to-guru list now numbers in the hundreds.
I think I may have finally mastered my understanding of Zen Donkey Wisdom; I can now find my ass with both hands.

Frustratingly, I am finding it hard to choose what to put in my sandwiches; Lunch Guru is on a retreat so is of no help to me.
I fear I may starve.

The days are long and empty; Guru Happy Face will not return my calls and Sri Master Bouncing Cheeseball is booked for the next month.
According to Ascended Plutonian Bus Conductor, my problem is that I am not doing enough work on my Sacred Gizzard Chakra.
When I can raise another $500, I shall certainly be attending that workshop again. Fifth time lucky, hopefully.

For now I sit, Merkaba in hand, gazing longingly at the Crystal Healing Unicycle that I bought.
If only my Transverse Vacuous Pressure Point would close up, I might be able to ride it again.
(At the moment, it’s rubber rings and ointment until the pain goes away.)

Without the wisdom of my beloved Closet Lightwiggle Journeyman, I am uninspired as to what to wear. So, it is with heavy heart and odd socks that I sign off.

I have consulted the Starvision Magic Almanac and apparently tomorrow will be a better day.

Live long and prostate. (That’s a Plutonian phrase apparently. Thanks to APBC for the input.)


PS: see attached advert from the Gullible Times. Thinking of sending off for one.


In praise of the witches’ cackle


In popular culture, the witch is often portrayed as an ageing crone, chanting over a steaming cauldron and cackling in the moonlight.

Moonlight, cauldron, crone, chanting; we understand the significance of all of these. The significance of the cackling, however, is harder to define.
Is it diabolical ecstasy or a sign of madness? Are we drunk on power or dizzy with the moon?

The answer to these questions is very simple.

We witches cackle because when we get together it is impossible to keep a straight face. The outside world looks on as we invoke our gods and goddesses; perhaps thinking that we greet them stony-faced and in mournful humour.
The reality being that, as each entity and energy draws close we feel the power and joy that they bring.

No-one can experience the dark humour of Hecate or the mischief of the Elementals without a little grin. How many times have we giggled as the candles blow out, or the charcoal won’t catch light? When we stop taking it all so seriously and just enjoy our craft and our rituals, laughter surely follows.

In our community, we are blessed with the company of like-minded souls, misfits and raggle-taggle wanderers. We gather together, as one, in our motley crew then we form a circle and celebrate. We dance, we sing, we cast and we laugh because we have pushed away our cares for a while. We are in the presence of our ancestors, our deities and our magical family.

In the witches’ cackle is the beauty of belonging, the joy of sharing and the song of our soul.

To our cackling brothers and sisters: we hear ourselves in your laughter and we bless you for your happy noise.

Our circle is open but unbroken.

~ Youthemeus


The Event – Important News

How can we help you?

How can we help you?

The Event: Customer Service Response

Dear Humanity,

Thank you for your interest in “The Event”. We appreciate each and every one of you.

In order to clear up some confusion we would like to clarify some points regarding this event; The Event.

  1. Date Changes: The original date has been changed so many times because we are unable to synchronise the calendars of so many (diverse) cosmic species. For example; there are 54,789 public holidays (each year) on Neptune which makes it all a bit tricky. Imagine trying to co-ordinate that calendar with all of the others! The Grays offered to work the holidays; but those guys just wanted the overtime. You know how they are.
  2. New Date: The new scheduled date for The Event has not yet been set, we are trying to avoid a calendar conflict with both the Epsilon Eridani Sand Sculpture Week and the Pleiadian Ticklemania Festival. We will keep you informed.
  3. Seating: This seems to have caused a lot of confusion amongst you all. You cannot all sit in one seat. For some reason the vast majority of you want to sit in Row D, especially Seat 5. We are not sure why you are all so keen to be in this seat. Row D has an obstructed view and is a long way from the restrooms. Also, why do 144,000 of you want to sit in 7D? What is wrong with 1-4D, 6D and 8D upwards?
  4. Hats: If you all want to sit in 5D, we will have to insist that you take it in turns. Druids, you will have to remove your hats as a courtesy to those seated behind (and beneath) you.
  5. Body Issues: You will all be keeping your original bodies. We only have one cloakroom attendant (Mrs. Maloney) and she is not going to be able to cope with checking in 7 billion bodies. She struggled to deal with two dozen capes at the Andromedan Masked Ball last year. (NB: We are still trying to find the owner of a stuffed walrus which was unclaimed after that event. Please contact me if this is yours. Thanks)
  6. Light Body Issues: If you want a light-body for The Event, we suggest you cut down on the junk and get outside more.
  7. Beware of Fakes: Do not buy tickets from The Archons. They are renowned for their tendency to pass on fakes to unsuspecting customers. Please only buy from licensed vendors.
  8. Know-it-alls: Channellers, Hybrids, Ascended Masters, Galactic Historians and Divines: we have a special section for you – The Codswallop Stand. As you already know all there is to know about The Event (ahem), we will be seating you at the back in special chairs which will make it easier for you to get your heads up your own back passages. Please note, this is a non-blogging section. Thank you.
  9. Stuff: All Merkabas, Crystal Grids, Anti-Gravity, Chakra-Agitiators, Free Energy Thingamajigs, Orgonite Wotnots and MacroBiotic Devices are not allowed within the seating area. Why? Because we are fed up with tripping over this stuff on our way to the concession stand. Leave it at home for your Unicorn to look after.
  10. Transport: you can find your own way to The Event. Here’s a tip: It is happening inside you right now and has been for all eternity.

Any comment or enquiries please contact me: Lulu Bananabelle, Event Customer Service Supervisor.

Office hours: 1 – 1.15 pm EST (These may seem short hours to you, but I’m from Neptune. Suck it up)


How to get a crystal to sing to you……

Dance me!

Dance me!

Last Friday was a wet, wintery afternoon. Sitting around, trying to keep warm and drinking tea makes me feel sluggish; it was time to blow some cobwebs away before the weekend.

I spent the afternoon at a Native American Drumming session, and  I really enjoyed the opportunity to play with the energies that are stimulated and released through the medium of rhythmic drumming.

It was a very powerful experience; both the drumming and the connection with other people who were also there “just to drum”. The noise was joyful and I was able to connect with the beat that I was keeping, as well as hearing others’ rhythms. Matthew (White Feather) had mentioned that crystals could be charged by placing them under the drum, as the energies would help to cleanse and recharge anything that was placed there.

I popped my selenite wand underneath the beautiful Mother Drum and it stayed there for at least an hour as we drummed, and chanted and whistled and sang. I certainly felt refreshed and energised when we finished and it was time to go home. It had been a great way to bring some fresh energy into a dull, damp afternoon.

I got home and put the kettle on, settling down with a cup of camomile tea and some chocolate, (yes, it was that kind of a day), I popped my wand on the coffee table and relaxed, listening to the radio playing softly in the background. As I sat, cup of tea steaming in my hand, my mind drifting off into a daydream, the radio began to play “Bridge over Troubled Water” by Simon and Garfunkel. Amongst all of the music that had been playing in the periphery of my attention, this one song jumped out at me.

A few days earlier, there had been a funeral service at the local sports ground near to our house; one of the songs that was carried on the breeze was “Bridge over Troubled Water” which had been played repeatedly. I remember thinking, “I haven’t heard that song for ages!” I used to love it when I was much younger, but had forgotten it over time as my musical vocabulary increased and changed direction.

My awareness became refocused on the moment, my daydream evaporating rapidly. My attention was drawn to my wand. It was singing to me, singing along to “Bridge over Troubled Water”! I picked it up and touched the crystal. All at once I experienced a rush of pure love; it was telling me that it loved me so very, very much. It would always love me and wanted to be with me helping and healing. I held this crystal tenderly, like a lover, pressed it to my cheek. It sang for the whole song, sang with all its might. It was one of the most profound experiences I have ever had.

What my crystal was telling me was that the charge it had received from the drumming had given it a hugely energetic experience and because it was so “alive” in this moment it was able to sing and speak very clearly to me. Normally, we communicated by thoughts and feelings; intuition, if you will. Because we had both been so “energised” by the drumming experience, we were both at a place where we could speak freely and easily to each other.

It was wonderful. Even after the song had finished, the memory of the communication lingered in my mind and is still with me three days later.

Now, I don’t know what I am going to do with this information or understanding of the power of rhythm on crystals. I do, however, feel compelled to gather all of my crystals and drum for them, so that we can talk and work together. I will be researching the practicality of acquiring a hand drum and the best techniques to use.

In the meantime, the experience has certainly given me a deeper respect and love for the things around me. I am now interested in communicating with objects, elements, energies that are not “conscious” in the conventional sense. There is a whole Universe of things to talk to, a whole world of crystals, stones, elements and energies to which it is possible to connect. How very exciting!

My path just gets more and more interesting each day that I am alive. As they say, “watch this space!”

I have put the song below for you to enjoy, I recommend listening whilst holding something meaningful in your hands. Let it sing to you, the way my beautiful Selenite sang to me.

~ Youthemeus

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Hey You! Peek-a-boo!

I see you!

In the beginning there was laughter.

Let us think about that for a minute.

 We were all jubilant as we began our soul’s journey.

Singing songs of love and joy, we began our voyage.

All of us knew we had hard paths ahead of us, but we set off with happiness and enthusiasm. We carried the gifts of love, laughter and courage with us as we embarked on our adventure.

 Somewhere along the way, we seem to have forgotten our true joyful nature.

We have forgotten that we are made to laugh as well as cry.

To rejoice as well as mourn.

We have overlooked the fact that by taking ourselves too seriously, we miss the fun in life and the lessons therein.

When did we stop playing peek-a-boo?

It is time to reconnect with that wonderful energy; that deep, abiding happiness that forms and drives us.We need to allow ourselves time and space to play with the joyous light that is inside us.

 This is who you are.

This is what you are made of.

This joyful, loving energy is what your soul consists of.

More than anything, recognising that we are all filled with this magnificent joie de vivre is the easiest way to connect with others.

When we reach out with love and cheerfulness, we find that others react positively to us.

This is in much the same way as a child melts your heart with a smile and causes you to join in with that infectious, unrestrained laughter.

Greet people in your life with a great, big grin and see what reaction you get.

It is contagious!

Joy is the cradle of life.

We are nurtured by it.

When we connect with true joy, we find that love, happiness and courage follow along, too.

Fill your world with giggles rather than gripes, chuckles rather than complaints and beaming smiles rather than sulks and grimaces.

Celebrate all that is inspirational, amazing and moving.

Life is short and dazzlingly beautiful

 Now, go and have some fun in this world.

You can do it. You are made of laughter.


I see you!

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Joy to the world. But how?

joyjoyJoy to the world?

We have been thinking about how we can inject more joy into the world.
It seems reasonable that we could siphon it from playgrounds or tap it from oft-climbed trees.
Realistically, what might be a good idea is to distil the very essence of childhood.
We could connect children to a Joy-Malizer™ by means of a Fluff-o-Matic scooper. In this way, we would be able to gather some of their natural supply of joy in a non-intrusive manner.
It should not leave the children lacking, as they do seem to be able to create more of it every single day.
Perhaps we could put in a place a “Joy Donor” system.
All healthy children under the age of eleven are encouraged to donate a giggle and a half on a bi-monthly basis. We do not suppose a child would miss six giggles a year and those given could easily be re-grown after a few days.

The donated joy could then be distributed to those most in need.
We would like to propose that the neediest are those whose joy supply is running low, rather than those who are totally without happiness. For these cases, more than just a direct joy donation is necessary. Infusing pure joy into a barren, bleak and empty space would be futile, like dripping a bead of ink into the sea.

It would be more effective if those who have received a joy top-up (Play As You Go™) could help the joyless to cultivate a fertile soul in which the seeds of contentment could be planted. They could achieve this by means of showing those gloomy souls brightly coloured feathers, singing them French nursery rhymes and taking them on outings to waterfalls or rabbit warrens. These activities naturally increase one’s sense of gladness by means of funsmosis.

Once the joyless have been brought up to a level somewhere between gladness and satisfaction, small amounts of joy could be dripped into them to see if they reject the donor joy or assimilate it into their true-self.

In extreme circumstances, a desperate, joyless one could get an emergency dose of joyfulness direct from source. However, this would mean being exposed to a laughing toddler for ten minutes – not recommended for the faint of heart or those with a wiggly stomach.

Joy donation is still in the early stages of development and the Fluff-o-matic Scooper is proving problematic. The technology has a long way to go before it is reliable and we are endeavouring to stop it making strange “spoinking” sounds. In the meantime, it is therefore advisable to take preventative measures to ensure that you are not left with low levels of happiness and and empty chuckle-buckets.

It is suggested that, in order for adults to avoid the need for joy transfusions, all those over the age of eleventy-teen spend at least three minutes (daily) pulling faces at themselves in the mirror. If possible, this should be combined with puddle-jumping and loud whistling (weather permitting) at weekends.

Further updates, when available, will be published.

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Travelling at the speed of dog


I’ve been doing some thinking about space, time and puppies.

If a light year is the speed that light travels in a year (~5,878,625,373,184 miles); then a dog year must be the distance that a dog travels in a year.

I have done some calculations and estimated that the average dog (say a beagle) walks at about 3 mph, breaking into runs only to chase cats or avoid baths. I estimate that the dog will only walk for about 6 hours a day, sleep for 10, nap for 2, scratch itself for one and spend the remaining time waiting by the side of a hot dog stall.

So, if there are 6 hours of walking at an average speed of 3 mph, a full year of walking would cover 6552* miles in a year.

Therefore, the answer to “how long is a dog year?” is 6552* miles.

Thank you for your attention.


* For those of you who actually are paying attention you will have noticed that the calculation was actually 6 x 3 x 364 – a whole day and a quarter missing. This is because I estimate that this time will be lost with a dicky tummy after having eaten a bad kebab from behind the bus stop.

And, no, I haven’t included leap years in this calculation; dogs don’t recognise them.

How silly are you? Sheesh.

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