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The Event: Customer Service Response
Dear Humanity,
Thank you for your interest in “The Event”. We appreciate each and every one of you.
In order to clear up some confusion we would like to clarify some points regarding this event; The Event.
- Date Changes: The original date has been changed so many times because we are unable to synchronise the calendars of so many (diverse) cosmic species. For example; there are 54,789 public holidays (each year) on Neptune which makes it all a bit tricky. Imagine trying to co-ordinate that calendar with all of the others! The Grays offered to work the holidays; but those guys just wanted the overtime. You know how they are.
- New Date: The new scheduled date for The Event has not yet been set, we are trying to avoid a calendar conflict with both the Epsilon Eridani Sand Sculpture Week and the Pleiadian Ticklemania Festival. We will keep you informed.
- Seating: This seems to have caused a lot of confusion amongst you all. You cannot all sit in one seat. For some reason the vast majority of you want to sit in Row D, especially Seat 5. We are not sure why you are all so keen to be in this seat. Row D has an obstructed view and is a long way from the restrooms. Also, why do 144,000 of you want to sit in 7D? What is wrong with 1-4D, 6D and 8D upwards?
- Hats: If you all want to sit in 5D, we will have to insist that you take it in turns. Druids, you will have to remove your hats as a courtesy to those seated behind (and beneath) you.
- Body Issues: You will all be keeping your original bodies. We only have one cloakroom attendant (Mrs. Maloney) and she is not going to be able to cope with checking in 7 billion bodies. She struggled to deal with two dozen capes at the Andromedan Masked Ball last year. (NB: We are still trying to find the owner of a stuffed walrus which was unclaimed after that event. Please contact me if this is yours. Thanks)
- Light Body Issues: If you want a light-body for The Event, we suggest you cut down on the junk and get outside more.
- Beware of Fakes: Do not buy tickets from The Archons. They are renowned for their tendency to pass on fakes to unsuspecting customers. Please only buy from licensed vendors.
- Know-it-alls: Channellers, Hybrids, Ascended Masters, Galactic Historians and Divines: we have a special section for you – The Codswallop Stand. As you already know all there is to know about The Event (ahem), we will be seating you at the back in special chairs which will make it easier for you to get your heads up your own back passages. Please note, this is a non-blogging section. Thank you.
- Stuff: All Merkabas, Crystal Grids, Anti-Gravity, Chakra-Agitiators, Free Energy Thingamajigs, Orgonite Wotnots and MacroBiotic Devices are not allowed within the seating area. Why? Because we are fed up with tripping over this stuff on our way to the concession stand. Leave it at home for your Unicorn to look after.
- Transport: you can find your own way to The Event. Here’s a tip: It is happening inside you right now and has been for all eternity.
Any comment or enquiries please contact me: Lulu Bananabelle, Event Customer Service Supervisor.
Office hours: 1 – 1.15 pm EST (These may seem short hours to you, but I’m from Neptune. Suck it up)
Youthemeus 